dear--

cherie, my hands are wilting
ever so
and while my fingers brim with words
I speak to you

listen to the whispers
and my voice will touch you
blossom palms,
I will show you all I have found
the mountains in the sky
the life in the sunrays
the stories of the trees
the wisdom of the water

cherie, my eyesight is fading
ever so
and my irises reflect the mirrors
I must give you

stare through them
and in you I will stir
dove lungs,
you can use my eyes to see
the sparkle in the stars
the silver crown of the moon
the solace of the night sky
the beauty you exude

I hear trains rumbling
promises, echoing your name
fissures in the air, reminders
when my youth fades
it will embrace you
and my ghost will kiss you

then you will be left
rosebud nose
clover cheeks
petal lips
hummingbird heart

to reach, reach, reach
and remember

Mute.

Footsteps line this weathered street,
bare feet impressed in dust.
A presence lingers in my limbs
braced against these crumbling walls.

Apparitions of eloquence haunt me,
ghosts corroding my youth
leaving age untouched.

The roads are masked in concrete,
no place to press my feet.

Modern density, my affliction.
I watch my voice fall into blind eyes.
Every letter, a finger;
Every phrase, a hand,
grasping at the clouds
and screaming at the sky.

But I continue walking
to feel the words you spoke.

while the f--ever flickers

life exceeding flowingly
perforates my skin
an illumination of bare bones
to the cold moon
exuding the unsound mechanization
we discharge

yet
the light still
(eyes lungs fingers)
pours,
eclipsing mortality

piercing feeling, being
ignites a need to reveal
createdestroy
destroycreate

and) the little Sun burst

shatter(shatter)

reach(
and
)sink
to tears
while the f--ever flickers

shimmer

Rippletear.

I loved you despite
these confectionary glances,
sweet-chilled kisses upon my chest
Helled me

an ephemeral [em]brace
pressed tightly against Your
MIS-take
UNDER-pressure
STANDING-alone

I was Your well,
that withstood
deep draughts You drew
from my shallow fractured
surface.

and my fragile sunrays
imbued
warmth nonexistent in Your
everending ocean
to subside the pallid dread

still

my feet frroze.inn.ppain.
when I walked on water

one glance

firework flocks of
b u t t e r f l i e s
emerge
in a love.pres.sured|st|ream;
torrents of we
breakburnsearriptearcutbleed
the paindamns

& your wet eyes
breathe light in straws
for
one, serene, breath

(un)danced

sparkling eyes do transcend
grounded clouds
--unpermitting--
clumsy fingertips
smile at the moon

the pink-indigo hues
of sweet illusions hidden
--underbrow--
inspire grace
as phantom limbs bleed
drops of sunlight;
movement(crystallized
waves of sky)

painted on the effervescing canvas
of dreamdance

kneel_

all i fear i have seen
projected memories
like bRoken glass light the scrEEn
a dark iLlumination
a fragmented consCiOusNess
blurringblackening what you made me
feeL

my eyes faded
IN-difference
while scars on my back SCREAM
THE words you bore into me;
damn. this. FRAGILity.

floodlights of beauty dim
in
my head.
when backwards ticks time
the pain sensed under closed lids
submission
encompasses me;
the lead in my veins was named

gUILt

INSO(leil)MN(l)IA(m)

swept into incoherence without sleep
je ne peux pas dormir
they keep me up, these monsters
I stand falling; the waves rushing
churling
my thoughts to emotions to

(un)feeling.
follow:transcend:Sole(il)mnity
bitter warmth in sorrow
sang froid
resilient flushed cheeks in a snowstorm
under fire, burningvulnerablepiercing eyes
j'ai vu et j'ai dit:
"we fell from ONE!"
(not for the apple but for the pear)
as beacon lights lost in the everythingness of the
universal void
rien de rien
we were
all l(one)ly flames
with a resonant longing from emptiness
so
insoleilmnliam
one found we
and (nous sommes

Everything

As many of you know, I've lived a life as much of joy as of pain. But, sitting here and reflecting on 18 years well spent, I realize the immense and unique beauty that has exuded from my life and surrounded me from birth. I've grown up with so much love, so much that I feel it burning scars of hope and desire.

I was born to an unlikely couple of young parents, full of laughter, life, and of course love. Two brilliant young people from two entirely different lives. Little did I know, their differences would always be the obstacles for me to balance from birth; however, in no way would I want my life to be anything else, but this beautiful combination of the world.

From birth, I was enveloped in an atmosphere of varied love. From my mother's love as she started her journey of raising me while she herself hadn't finished her childhood, to the love of my father serving the country during the beginning of my life, he himself still a young adult. Lucky for me, my life has always contained "sub-parents": amazing grandparents, aunts, uncles, and family friends who have been there to help me in the process of becoming who I am today. I may seem slightly sentimental, or perhaps you think I'm exaggerating, but let me tell you, no other child grew up with so much love.

Of course, this love was unconventional, but it was also unconditional, and it has followed me from my first footsteps, to the moment I type this.

Love seems to be a topic I cover a lot, and it's simply because my life has been rich in it. The love of my parents was infused into me from birth, their ambition, their drive, their passion. Even more so, their diversity.

I am blessed enough to represent what seems like more than half of the world. My dad's background spans across Western Asia, while my mom's spans from Western Europe to Native America to Indonesia. Not only am I a representation of the diversity in my generation, but my diversity has led me to an openness unparalleled. I've experienced black culture through my father's friends, my aunt was born in Africa, and I was born in a small town in Ohio. I laughed in agreement the other day when my friend said to me, "Jordan, you are the world."

I can't articulate in simple words how much my parents mean to me. And when I say parents I don't simply mean my amazing father and mother, but ALL of the amazing people who have touched my life. All of you.

Two of the most influential people in my life however are not my parents. They are my brothers. Since my parents' divorce nine and half years ago, I have been their "parent", their confidante, and of course their loving brother. Sure we've fought, and there's no doubt that we've disagreed, but what astounds me is the intensity, and the invisibility of our love. I find myself smiling at the simplest gestures from them, more now than ever as we prepare to live our first year apart. The other night in the car when Jalen snuggled up to my shoulder like he always used to, or days when Jivan still wants me to play with him remind me of the love that's always there and always unsaid. I tear up even thinking of leaving them as I head out for college, but I know that their influence on my life has been remarkable. I love and cherish every minute with them, even if they don't know, and I can't wait to see the astounding things they will accomplish to eclipse my own.

Not only has my family made a profound impact on me, but my friends have also shaped me in ways they never noticed. When I couldn't go to a family member, or I was struggling in school, often times it was my friends who pulled me through it. Whether they are my friends who I've known since I was the kid in Worthington Meadows who always had to be Luke Skywalker, or if they only know me as the guy who wears too many chucks, I appreciate them all more than words can describe. They've all held me strong, and inspired me to new heights, and I can't thank them more.

All of this love that's raised me and surrounded me gives me so much hope for my future. People ask me every day how I live a life so positively, and with so much passion. If they knew me they'd know that to me, there is no other way to live life. My life has inspired me to change more than just the world, but to change lives. I head to Ohio Wesleyan next year, not just to learn how to teach, but also to hone my craft of life changing. Amazingly, I've found out that I've already changed lives, and knowing that I have is both humbling, and astounding to me. I find myself channeling all the amazing people in my life to help others, so in essence it's really all of you who are helping.

Sure, life's been rough sometimes. But, I believe so strongly in every human's potential, now more than ever. You have all made me the person I am today, and today I want to tell you what you've inspired me to believe. In every single human, I now see light. I understand we all are a combination of good and bad, but from everyone around me, I feel their warmth, their love, and the light they exude. My goal as I take my first steps in the real world is to act as a mirror. I've been given the experiences to provide me with a unique understanding of life, and I stand in many ways as a representation of so many people, and so much love. Now, all that I want to do, is reflect it back to everyone I meet. I want to reflect this light, this love, this essence to everyone, because I feel that if people could feel this light that I've found in me, I could awaken theirs as well.

So I leave with this: a simple I love you. I love you all, and can't thank you enough for all that you have provided me, and all that you've prepared me for in life.

L. Soleil

Can You Feel

Red Chucks

I hate when I'm hit unexpectedly by that weird feeling. An overwhelming sense of sudden loneliness and difference.

I never thought that the feeling would hit me at a roller rink. After lacing up my skates, and launching onto the skating floor, I never expected to be hit by a wall of debilitating indifference.

It started off normally, my whole family comes in as usual, one of the regular families at the rink, and slowly but surely we swing ourselves into the vortex of the Marion rollerskating rink. Lap after lap, turn after turn. An endless cyclone of loud pop music, small children, and fake people.

That's what bothered me most. All of the sudden, skating slowly under the florescent lights and disco balls, the whole facade crumbled down on me. Little did the people around me realize that I was laying under the fragments of their false-heartedness. It just hurt to watch all of these people disillusioning themselves. Losing what matters, and instead being swept away by the superficial.

It just threw me off. I wanted to skate near the sides slowly and go unnoticed, sulking in disregard and mental disarray, but it didn't work. I was pulled into their storm of materialism. Swept away to skate fast, skate centered, attract attention, and stand out. I hated it.

So I pulled over to the side stage, sat down and thought. My eyes blurring with each passing skater, my mind being melted by the technicolor expanse dancing in front of me.

Whilst sitting and thinking (or at least semi-thinking as the lyrics of the Black-Eyed Peas blared in my ear drums), I realized that this is the world. It's the rapidly moving vortex of competition and infidelity. Maybe that's why I get this feeling. So that I can avoid it.

I'm just made to stick out like a sore thumb, or a pair of red chucks on the glow-in-the-dark floor of the skating rink.

L. Soleil

The Pain None Can Heal

This past week has opened something in me. To either let it out, to be healed, or to be left and exposed to eat me from the inside out. There's always been this indescribable pain I bear. From childhood, I've felt this pain...this, responsibility. The curse: To have the power to heal others, but never yourself. It hurts me so badly. Yet, being myself, I'd have it no other way.

Ever since I was old enough to speak, I've just been there for people. I am the "chameleon", I am the "hollow man". I can be everything for everyone, and I've lived my life to be that everything. My problems are eclipsed by the pain I see in others, and I strive to eliminate it. I can help, always help. By listening, responding, or just being there, sometimes the sole genuine person.

I hate talking like this. To me, I am nothing special. I do what I think every citizen of the universe should do. Every member of humanity. Is it so strange to feel for everyone? To feel their pain, take it as your own, and try with all of your being to fix it.

Yet I realize, more lately than ever, that I am only one person. My goal to save the world isn't something I can accomplish single-handedly. As people move in and out of my life, I feel like I leave a part of myself with them. I want them to know, that even if I'm not there in person, I truly will always be there for them. It's just hard for me. I can heal their pain, help them, aid them, strengthen them, experience their pain. But, I can never be healed. My pain lies underneath all of the pain I hold for others. I can absorb some of you pain, and I'll always be here to. Not only for you, but for all of you. That's why I live.

It just hurts. All of my pain, in light of all the love, is exemplified. As the light in my life returns, it illuminates the wounds that never were healed. As I radiate for the first time in nine and a half years, the rays of light shine on the darkness and pain that haunts me.

Sure, I feel. I feel everything. Thanks to the love and the loss. The pain and the light. The darkness and the serenity of living.

Yet, as I feel this pain that none can heal, I see hope. With this radiation comes a pure intense light, as intense as my own. I grasp the key that I cannot wield and offer it to the light, hoping the light will accept and unlock the pain, and heal it. The only one with the ability to heal me. The wounds of a lifetime.

This may sound extremely conceited, and if this post bothers you I'm sorry. I'm not trying to make my pain seem unique or worse than anyone else's. I know people who have experienced more pain in their own lives than I have, and they still can function. I just feel like there's an aspect of my pain that no one else faces. It seems like people can heal their own pain, a skill they just have innately that I lack. Call me crazy, I don't even know anymore.

I'm feeling more than ever. Every change and alteration in my life, every morsel of pain, every fragment of joy shakes me to the core. It scares me beautifully. This innate connection is as much a blessing as a curse.

So do I ask this pain never to leave? Or do I embrace the light? Is there a balance to my imbalance?

Eyes to the sun and the moon,
L. Soleil
(Je t'a so

One.

When we first met I had the...weird feeling. Strange, I thought. Fate? No, but close. Maybe, like some old Disney movie, you the Belle to my Beast. I don't even know what to think in five days. Allineed. A miracle wrapped up in chemicals so Lena would say. I don't even know. IN describable feeling...paindreadfear. Elationecstasy. Agony. I've never felt so (dis)connected. (connection weakened, terminated deleted, built and formed) It's almost bitter, but oh so warm.

Words can't describe love, so I try fragments. Thoughts, lost, found, God on both sides of the gun. Tell me what you think what you feel, but WAIT. I know. Je t'aime. Je comprends vos pensees. J'ai pouvu toujours te comprendre. Je sais pas comment. I don't know how. Vacancies, emptiness. Wholeness? A way to reach completion for one. How? I don't even know.
A mission I've felt tremble my soul. IN describable feeling...agony, ecstasy. That weird feeling. You haunt me. You haunted me. You will haunt me and I will let you.
Moving on, but how? Just let me feel, break bonds, experience passion. Lost religion? No, strengthened. Titled? No. How? Why? Where do these thoughts come from. Guardian when all is crumbling. Never say never. I told you. I heard. I saw.

I feel schizo today. Everyday, never. How? Just put it together, come together, pieces of a jigsaw puzzle that I used to put together with Amma...I feel terrible. They'll lose me and they don't even know why or how. Why? Pain to reach unity. It hurts. It will hurt everyone. But I have to move on.

My, your, our intense fragility. Oh, but what we can't perceive? To feel, to make feel, to let feelings. I feel you. Do you feel me? Yes. You do. I know. I don't even know. A rush of emotion and thought. Just feel it. How? I don't even know.

Writing. Release. Passion, I need it , I want it, I want you. Iwantyousobadcanyoufeelme. You, allineed, doyoufeel IT? Tell me. I need to hear you with your gasping laughs and your beautiful voice.

Can you understand? I don't. I don't even know. We only knew distance, but to feel proximity. Overbearing warmth, it burns, I writhed in my bed for you. You for me, but how? I don't even know.

Why me? Why not me? Supernatural, like Mom said I'd always been. Somehow I transcend, but why? Why do you? I crave, so carnal, never before, never again? Lived in two worlds, come to one. A reflection--lookinthemirror you'll see you/me/us.

IvefelteverythingyouvefeltandIdonteverwanttoloseitbaby.
I.
I.
youyouyou
I don't even know.
FeelmeIneedit. Ineedtofeel. Passion. Pass I (On). We pass by (one). How?
Twohalvesequalone.

L. Soleil

Connection

I haven't written in a while, and it's primarily because I've been thrown into the chaos of prom, graduation, the last days of high school, and what is considered by most as the end of your childhood. Simply put, I've been lost in this whirlwind, and I can't exactly pinpoint my emotions. As I prepare to move on to college, going back to my home state and leaving all of my new friends, I realize the evolution and metamorphosis that I've experienced in a short two years.

While we always say that we as humans most rapidly grow (physically) as infants, I realize now that our last years of high school, and our first years of college in the "real world" act as our period of rapid emotional growth. In these past two years I've come to terms with myself in more ways than I ever imagined: I fell in what I thought was love, I opened up a well-hidden part of me, I questioned religion and my family for the first time, I found someone who changed me and inspired me, and I also dealt with some of the hardest situations that I've experienced in years.

It's easy to say these are the everyday plights of the average teen, and while they may seem so on the surface, I know that in many ways they are unique. In a way, that's what drives me to write is to find other people who may be feeling what I've felt over the past two years, or maybe to help someone who can learn from what I've experienced. This rapid period of emotional growth has at times left me completely bereft, and other times it has left me more fulfilled than I've ever felt.

What all of these obstacles relate to is my connections with people who have come into my life. The first connection to evolve was my connection to my family. While we still are extremely close, for the first time I have breached the boundaries that were placed on me. For the first time, I've truly disagreed to the point of break down. I realize now that my family doesn't know me as well as I wanted to believe, and as a result, I've lost faith in people's ability to know me, and truly accept me, faults and all.

As my family has deteriorated, rebuilt, deteriorated, and rebuilt on repeat, my ability to connect with friends has undergone a huge transformation. Without the ability to fully connect and express to my family, I've leaned on my friends more than I have ever let myself. While in my old home, I never fully opened up, I have met people in my new home that have completely changed me. I thought I fell for someone, and although I try to deny the connection now, that relationship changed my perception of the world drastically. On the other hand, I found someone who makes me feel like I'm looking into an emotional mirror. In becoming close friends with her, I have found myself in ways that I never expected from a friendship. Never before have I been so challenged, and never before have I wanted to accept a challenge so willingly.

Above all else, my connection to my true self has been overhauled as well. Where I lost religion, I gained a more personal understanding of what I believe in. I haven't entirely forsaken religion, and by no means have I found a complete understanding of myself, but I have started to find a balance. This balance is by no means stable, nor really am I, but I feel like I wouldn't want to live in a fully balanced life. My unbalance has in many ways opened up the world to me.

I know now that I live for connection. My will to help people and be there for them, is my attempt to have a connection with something, someone. I try so hard to find deep connections, because I have never felt truly connected. I go above my limits to be everything for people, because in all honestly, I need someone to be that same pillar of strength for me. So somewhere in my projected strength and idealism, is the real me looking for that connection to define me. I realize now how close I've come. I just hope not to lose it.

Feeling (dis)connected,
L. Soleil

Blue sky. Bright sun. White clouds.

Seeing as this past week was my last week of high school, I haven't had an opportunity to sit down and write. After spending an entire week wrapped up in friends and pranks, and general senior shenanigans, I haven't had a chance to take some time to recenter, so here's my attempt.

Inspiration strikes in the least expected moments, and today, while spending time with my cousin Samuel, I was inspired. To fully appreciate this simple anecdote, you have to know more about Samuel. He's 15 years old, 240 pounds, and 6 feet 3 inches tall. He seems like a giant in comparison to my small 6 foot frame, but it's the beauty of his character that astounds me.

Samuel is autistic. He only just entered my life as a cousin when my dad remarried, and I'm so blessed to be around him. After spending my past week in a somewhat superficial marathon of mindless fun with my friends and classmates, spending some time with Samuel refocused me, inspired me, and centered me to a more stable state. Spending time with Samuel always reminds me of the priveledge I have to express and be understood. Samuel's autism allows him to function and be relatively independent for a 15-year-old, but his ability to communicate often is lost in translation. He can speak in sentences and express his need for food, water, or use of the restroom, but he can't very easily express his ideas or thoughts. In spending a day with Samuel, I realize how fortunate I am, and his happiness and pure joy whilst dealing with his numerous health problems truly inspires me.

It started with a simple conversation. Samuel often spouts random dates from his internal calendar, and this time he interjected, "Kansas July 1st." I replied as I always do with a simple, "Yes Samuel. You and Roberta Aunty will be there soon enough. Yes, you'll go to Kansas." Prompting him to elaborate more I added, "How are you going Samuel? How are you going to go to Kansas?" His response was what inspired me. We were both talking while swinging on the local school's swingset, and while starting to swing, and with a huge smile he said, "Airplane! Blue sky. Bright sun. White clouds." His simple and innocent admiration of some of the simplest beauties of nature infected me with his elation. Moments like these remind what true happiness is.

Happiness is not knowing you are always healthy or wealthy. True happiness is not celebrating the end of senior year with friends in the craziest fashion possible. Happiness is found instead in the simplest pleasures of life. Now when I look at the blue sky, the bright sun, or the white clouds I can't help but think of Samuel and smile. I am truly blessed to have him in my life, and I'm happy to share in his love of life.

With my head in the white clouds and my spirit with the bright sun,
L. Soleil

Potential

As I've previously described, my life goal is to save the world in some small way. It's impossible to explain, but I feel an obligation, an impulse, a desire to help people in any way that I can. I don't plan on taking a Superman approach to saving the world, but I am not joking when I say that I want to devote my life to helping others. Often times, I find myself in conversations with friends who had, at least for that day, had enough with people. I agreed with them to a point; people can be exhausting, disheartening, ignorant, and even cruel. However, I explained to them just why I believe in the goodness of man.

Surprisingly, this sentiment isn't one inspired by God, or whatever higher power you believe in. This isn't a religious obligation to love Man, or even a spiritual connection. This feeling is instead rooted in the light that I see emanate from every person that I have ever come in contact with.

This light isn't an aura that I can read, nor is it even visible. I can't even get close to describing what I feel, but I truly believe that every person carries this light. This light, as I try to describe it, is human potential to better the world, even through the small acts in life.

People ask me what it is that propels me to accept people, what it is that grants me the firm belief in Man's inherent goodness, and the root of this belief lies in this light. Every human's capacity to love, capacity to care, inspires me every single day. It is too easy to focus on the bad things that we do, on accident or on purpose. However, if you take the effort to focus on the beauty of mankind's capability rather than deficiency, it is impossible not to have faith in Man.

This light, no matter how dull it shines, proves in my mind and in my heart that every person is born with the ability to change the world for the better, and I am not exaggerating. Each small act of kindness that we partake in every day has the capability to change the world. By providing someone without many friends that much needed support, you are changing the world. By smiling to a passerby, you can sway their temperament. By taking the time to lend your shoulder or your ear, you can help someone find their faith in humanity once again.

It takes one person to degrade someone's faith and optimism, but in my opinion, it takes only one person to rebuild it.

This message that I'm trying to relay to you now is the same message that I would provide for any one of my friends. Think of it as an obligation and a chain reaction. Changing the world is not as difficult as you might think. In order to change the world, you must inspire others to change the world as well, and I plan on dedicating my life to this cause.

I leave you this simple message to inspire you, and to provide you with the option of belief. I'm not expecting you to believe or understand every word I say, but I hope that you will go out sometime in the week that you read this to live a day of positivity and of compassion. Sometimes, that's the hardest thing to do when you'd rather wallow in disappointment or complain about all that's gone wrong in your life; however, I believe in you, and I believe in every person. There is nothing stopping you from grasping your potential, so if you haven't started yet, why not now?

L. Soleil

Reflections

"You
teach best
what you most need
to learn."
-Richard Bach, Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah

After having started to read a book that I happened upon, I found bits of my personal philosophy on life entwined in the author's words. Shortly into the book, the main character is given a book of Messiah-how-to's; in other words, there are a few short maxims articulating what it takes to make divinity a reality.

This quote in particular struck me seeing as what I step forth to accomplish each day is what I most need to learn. Somewhere amongst the monotony of everyday life, I set personal goals to help people in some small, or big, way. These goals go unspoken, often not even consciously realized, but I nevertheless find myself in these situations.

By these situations, I mean situations in which I am in the position to help someone get through something similar to a conflict that I am facing. I find myself each day helping a reflected fragment of myself, in my friends, in my family. Be it through an impromptu hour long conversation on theories of life, or a mutual depression rant, I find myself in the position to help others, and vicariously help myself.

In fact, there is no better way for me to cope. I find my own well-being affected by my surroundings and the problems that my friends face. Although it does not always appear as such, I feel an inexplicable compulsion to brighten someone's day, or to provide guidance and support when no one else is willing. Don't think that I'm trying to put myself on some sort of moral high horse however. I don't think that I necessarily succeed by any means. These are situations where I only hope that my thoughts are what counts.

I think this piece of me, this instinct to be the shoulder, the listener, or the ear comes as some sort of reaction against the problems I face. What better a way (or more efficient a way) to help yourself, than to help others. Not only do you receive the help from your friend, but you are able to provide them with the compassion and guidance that you so desperately try to reciprocate.

Maybe this is what explains the strange comfort I feel with people in sharing my philosophical beliefs or personal stories of upbringing. Regardless, I find the human capacity to care and to cope fascinating. We can take the poorest of situations, and with a sounding board for ideas and guidance that we find in our friends and family, we cope. We survive, and we allow our lights to continue to glow.

Regardless, I hope you can find something in this fragmented post to ponder. By the way, I encourage you to subscribe and comment. You all know me, and I'm quite sure that I don't bite!

With the aid of my reflections,
L. Soleil

Vacancy

You catch a glimpse of omniscience,
Hidden in the depth of the sky,
Surrounded by the stars.

Each star looms
A burning combination of passion and desire,
A memory,
A point of brilliance,
But then it fades.

To be forgotten,
Lost in translation,
A simple meaning to a complex problem.

You always know the light will dim, the star will fade.
You feel its warmth,
You bathe in its light,
And when it leaves, you forget.
Left only with a memory of brief ignition,
Bitter resignation,
Suppression.
Repression.

It leaves a hole.
Subtle and forgotten.

Years pass,
It remains,
Now only a shadow,
Leaving you a wraith.
You question the numbness,
You never grasp why.

Then a new light shines,
Illuminating what you left in the shadows.

You can't react.
You don't know how.
As you face the reason for your vacancy.

L. Soleil

Everyday Love

"Love many things, for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love is done well."

-Vincent van Gogh

After a stormy year filled with conflict and confusion, I've realized that I've underestimated the subtleties of love.

Unfortunately in today's age the idea of "love" has been over-dramatized, over-sexualized, and blown into gargantuan proportions of splendor and decadence. When someone mentions love we tend to get the image of little pink and red hearts floating in the air stuck in our heads, or on the other side of the penny, we imagine the despair and dread of unfulfilled love. However, in this flood of intense emotion and passion, we often forget where love lies most often in our lives. While we all crave a personal relationship with that special someone, we forget the innumerable relationships of love that we partake in everyday. Whether it's the love portrayed in a sister's laugh, or the love behind a friend's attempt at cheering you up, these small acts of love seem to be forgotten in the face of the unattainable ideal depicted in the movies, books, and shows that surround us.

I cannot in any way claim to be immune from the grandiose dreams of the perfected love, but I think we should all take a minute to come down to earth, and instead of idealizing what could be, we should appreciate what we have in front of us everyday.

This love I speak of isn't always blatant, intentional, or obvious. Instead it comprises the subtle strands of support that get us through each day, even through each heart break. It is this love that maintains its purity and innocence. This is the love that deserves to be celebrated and embraced.

So this marginal little post is my way of thanking all of my support systems that go unnoticed and overlooked. On days like these I realize the love that goes into every conversation with a friend, every smile from a brother. You don't have to quote-on-quote "love" a person for love to exist between you. Love can exist between two complete strangers. In my opinion, it's love that prompts a student in a hallway to help a stranger pick up their fallen papers, or prompts a person to smile in the face of depression. Love, when you really think about it, surrounds us in every act we make in life.

Surely, love doesn't always manifest itself positively. That's where tough love comes in; tough love and criticism from family members or peers. Yet it's all love. When someone cares, they take the time to reprimand you or bring you back up on your feet. Taking the time out of our busy lives to truly pay attention and engage another person can easily (in my eyes) be classified as love. So, all I ask of you now is to think of all the love that surrounds you. If you deny its existence, you aren't looking hard enough.

This post isn't to downplay the beauty of romantic love, but it is instead to remind us of the "everyday love". It's like reminding members of bourgeois society that peasants still roam the streets. Without the peasants, the upper classes couldn't function. Without the underlying support of our everyday interactions and our brief personal connections, we couldn't experience true romantic love.

So, whether you're at a point where love hurts, or love heals, remember all the love that is waiting to envelop you at each bright spot, each corner, and every shadow of your life.

Love,
L. Soleil

A Moment of Clarity

I'm not someone who would generally bombard people with three posts in a day, but this is something that truly merits a post.

For starters, today hasn't gone well. This week hasn't gone well. The last 4-5 months haven't gone well. However, out of all places and circumstances, I had a moment of clarity walking to my town's library in the rain without an umbrella, without my glasses on, and with my iPod ear buds protruding from my head.

First, as I crossed the street beginning my damp trek to the library, I decided to take my glasses off. You wouldn't think that this was strange or uncalled for, but for some reason, I sometimes get the urge to remove my glasses to truly see. Sure, I'm not physically seeing any better, but sometimes I want to just see what nature allows me to. Granted, I'm certainly nowhere near the legally blind limit, and my glasses don't do much, but walking without them was liberating.

To add to my strange sense of liberation, it was raining. Not too hard, but it wasn't just an annoying mist either. The rain, just like the removal of my glasses, always creates some sort of emotional release for me. It's a catharsis of sorts; a catalyst for emotional rejuvenation.

Somehow, within the amount of time it took for my first song to start playing in my ears, all of these circumstances caused me to reminisce. Recently a friend of mine suggested that I reminisce and remember the good times to get through the bad, so I guess that her suggestion had a subconscious effect on my thought process.

The memories that came to mind weren't the huge celebrations of birthdays or Christmas. They weren't the grandiose adventures of a 6-year-old boy. Instead they were the small things. I could remember the sense of pride that I felt when I wore my homemade "I'm the big brother" sweatshirt to my youngest brother's birth. I remembered smiling like nothing in the world could steal my joy. My memories flew at an unimaginable rate, spanning my life from toddler to teenager, allowing me to remember all of the people that I've loved and cherished.

So, on a walk to work on a school project, there I was. A six-foot-tall lanky teenager with his hands in his hoodie pockets and his ear buds in, smiling like no other. I can't even imagine the joy I felt in that instant. It enveloped me and eradicated the fears and anxieties of today. I was happy. Genuinely happy almost to the point of tears. That may seem simplistic, but when life is too complex to deal, simplicity is pure unadulterated joy.

But, just when I thought the daze would never end, it was over as fast as it had began. I had a project to work on. I had tests to study for. I had things to do, places to be. However, instead of focusing and getting work done, I've been unable to get my mind off of this beautiful moment of clarity. To feel clear, careless, and content for any amount of time is almost unheard of for me, and to have this moment stolen away only worsens the blow of every day's mediocrity. Even now I can't fathom the elation I experienced. The feeling is already alien, lost in my river of emotions.

Now all I can do is wait. Wait and hope. Hope for another dose of my drug, clarity. All that I know is that it will come when I least expect it, when I most need it.

Here's to living everyday for ephemeral dreams of contentment,
L. Soleil

Found: Old Poetry

Rummaging through some old writings from a few months ago I found this poem. I rewrote it and changed some lines, but some of its meaning still resounds to me.

I soak up the heat of the sole beacon,
Relishing the ephemeral light.
The demon still looms,
Threatening my light, my love, my soul.
How can I prevent the collision?,
The blending of the dark with the light.
How can I grasp the warmth without letting go?

I was assured, the light transcends the dark.
That the sun will rise and my face will flush.
The pallid dread will subside, and I'll survive.
Don't let the warmth die in the internal war.
Love won't judge humans in true form.
I won't deny the war, but see through.
Grasp the light, overcome life's obstacle.
Then, "take it and never give it back."

But the darkness never leaves.
It hides in shadows, it waits, it lingers.
Only to rip further into what's left.
Nothing left but emptiness.
Your light fades as my life drains.



Not the most positive of poems, I realize.
More to come,
L. Soleil

An Introduction

Who am I?

My name is Liam Soleil. I'm here to write, to express, and to illuminate. Through this blog, I want to get my opinion out into the world in this minuscule way. I'm only 18, and I don't plan on enlightening anyone, or even writing well. All I want to do is express.

Having lived as full a life as possible for an 18-year-old, I feel like I can draw upon my experiences to bring a new opinion and a new outlook on life. I'm an idealist, so call me a dreamer if you will. It's not a lie to claim my head is in the clouds. My head has been in the clouds all of my life, and I know, more than I know anything else in my life, that this is the only reason that I've been able to get through some of the hardest parts of my life. My idealism is a defense, and I know no defense greater.

If you're looking for a reality trip, you're in the wrong place. I apply my idealistic values to real-world situations, rather than applying realistic ideas to an ideal world. The facts remain that we live in an "un-ideal" world; however, my goal is to make the real world more tolerable.

I'm unashamed to admit that my life goal is to save the world. Call me crazy. I've planned my future to best achieve this. I'm starting with college. Then, the Peace Corps. My immediate goal after these endeavors is to teach and provide guidance for our struggling youth in impoverished cities and countries around the world. If this isn't saving the world in my own way, then what is?

I also plan on writing. Not only on this blog or in my journal, but writing to reach people. Reach them in their hands, through their eyes, and into their hearts. Writing is the only gift of expression granted to me, and I plan on utilizing it for as long as I get to walk the Earth.

Granted, you may not believe all that I've said. In fact, you shouldn't. However, if you intend to read my posts and follow my stream-of-consciousness, I ask you to believe in, or at least try to understand the ideals that I am striving to put into words.

Until next time,
L. Soleil