Can You Feel

Red Chucks

I hate when I'm hit unexpectedly by that weird feeling. An overwhelming sense of sudden loneliness and difference.

I never thought that the feeling would hit me at a roller rink. After lacing up my skates, and launching onto the skating floor, I never expected to be hit by a wall of debilitating indifference.

It started off normally, my whole family comes in as usual, one of the regular families at the rink, and slowly but surely we swing ourselves into the vortex of the Marion rollerskating rink. Lap after lap, turn after turn. An endless cyclone of loud pop music, small children, and fake people.

That's what bothered me most. All of the sudden, skating slowly under the florescent lights and disco balls, the whole facade crumbled down on me. Little did the people around me realize that I was laying under the fragments of their false-heartedness. It just hurt to watch all of these people disillusioning themselves. Losing what matters, and instead being swept away by the superficial.

It just threw me off. I wanted to skate near the sides slowly and go unnoticed, sulking in disregard and mental disarray, but it didn't work. I was pulled into their storm of materialism. Swept away to skate fast, skate centered, attract attention, and stand out. I hated it.

So I pulled over to the side stage, sat down and thought. My eyes blurring with each passing skater, my mind being melted by the technicolor expanse dancing in front of me.

Whilst sitting and thinking (or at least semi-thinking as the lyrics of the Black-Eyed Peas blared in my ear drums), I realized that this is the world. It's the rapidly moving vortex of competition and infidelity. Maybe that's why I get this feeling. So that I can avoid it.

I'm just made to stick out like a sore thumb, or a pair of red chucks on the glow-in-the-dark floor of the skating rink.

L. Soleil

The Pain None Can Heal

This past week has opened something in me. To either let it out, to be healed, or to be left and exposed to eat me from the inside out. There's always been this indescribable pain I bear. From childhood, I've felt this pain...this, responsibility. The curse: To have the power to heal others, but never yourself. It hurts me so badly. Yet, being myself, I'd have it no other way.

Ever since I was old enough to speak, I've just been there for people. I am the "chameleon", I am the "hollow man". I can be everything for everyone, and I've lived my life to be that everything. My problems are eclipsed by the pain I see in others, and I strive to eliminate it. I can help, always help. By listening, responding, or just being there, sometimes the sole genuine person.

I hate talking like this. To me, I am nothing special. I do what I think every citizen of the universe should do. Every member of humanity. Is it so strange to feel for everyone? To feel their pain, take it as your own, and try with all of your being to fix it.

Yet I realize, more lately than ever, that I am only one person. My goal to save the world isn't something I can accomplish single-handedly. As people move in and out of my life, I feel like I leave a part of myself with them. I want them to know, that even if I'm not there in person, I truly will always be there for them. It's just hard for me. I can heal their pain, help them, aid them, strengthen them, experience their pain. But, I can never be healed. My pain lies underneath all of the pain I hold for others. I can absorb some of you pain, and I'll always be here to. Not only for you, but for all of you. That's why I live.

It just hurts. All of my pain, in light of all the love, is exemplified. As the light in my life returns, it illuminates the wounds that never were healed. As I radiate for the first time in nine and a half years, the rays of light shine on the darkness and pain that haunts me.

Sure, I feel. I feel everything. Thanks to the love and the loss. The pain and the light. The darkness and the serenity of living.

Yet, as I feel this pain that none can heal, I see hope. With this radiation comes a pure intense light, as intense as my own. I grasp the key that I cannot wield and offer it to the light, hoping the light will accept and unlock the pain, and heal it. The only one with the ability to heal me. The wounds of a lifetime.

This may sound extremely conceited, and if this post bothers you I'm sorry. I'm not trying to make my pain seem unique or worse than anyone else's. I know people who have experienced more pain in their own lives than I have, and they still can function. I just feel like there's an aspect of my pain that no one else faces. It seems like people can heal their own pain, a skill they just have innately that I lack. Call me crazy, I don't even know anymore.

I'm feeling more than ever. Every change and alteration in my life, every morsel of pain, every fragment of joy shakes me to the core. It scares me beautifully. This innate connection is as much a blessing as a curse.

So do I ask this pain never to leave? Or do I embrace the light? Is there a balance to my imbalance?

Eyes to the sun and the moon,
L. Soleil
(Je t'a so

One.

When we first met I had the...weird feeling. Strange, I thought. Fate? No, but close. Maybe, like some old Disney movie, you the Belle to my Beast. I don't even know what to think in five days. Allineed. A miracle wrapped up in chemicals so Lena would say. I don't even know. IN describable feeling...paindreadfear. Elationecstasy. Agony. I've never felt so (dis)connected. (connection weakened, terminated deleted, built and formed) It's almost bitter, but oh so warm.

Words can't describe love, so I try fragments. Thoughts, lost, found, God on both sides of the gun. Tell me what you think what you feel, but WAIT. I know. Je t'aime. Je comprends vos pensees. J'ai pouvu toujours te comprendre. Je sais pas comment. I don't know how. Vacancies, emptiness. Wholeness? A way to reach completion for one. How? I don't even know.
A mission I've felt tremble my soul. IN describable feeling...agony, ecstasy. That weird feeling. You haunt me. You haunted me. You will haunt me and I will let you.
Moving on, but how? Just let me feel, break bonds, experience passion. Lost religion? No, strengthened. Titled? No. How? Why? Where do these thoughts come from. Guardian when all is crumbling. Never say never. I told you. I heard. I saw.

I feel schizo today. Everyday, never. How? Just put it together, come together, pieces of a jigsaw puzzle that I used to put together with Amma...I feel terrible. They'll lose me and they don't even know why or how. Why? Pain to reach unity. It hurts. It will hurt everyone. But I have to move on.

My, your, our intense fragility. Oh, but what we can't perceive? To feel, to make feel, to let feelings. I feel you. Do you feel me? Yes. You do. I know. I don't even know. A rush of emotion and thought. Just feel it. How? I don't even know.

Writing. Release. Passion, I need it , I want it, I want you. Iwantyousobadcanyoufeelme. You, allineed, doyoufeel IT? Tell me. I need to hear you with your gasping laughs and your beautiful voice.

Can you understand? I don't. I don't even know. We only knew distance, but to feel proximity. Overbearing warmth, it burns, I writhed in my bed for you. You for me, but how? I don't even know.

Why me? Why not me? Supernatural, like Mom said I'd always been. Somehow I transcend, but why? Why do you? I crave, so carnal, never before, never again? Lived in two worlds, come to one. A reflection--lookinthemirror you'll see you/me/us.

IvefelteverythingyouvefeltandIdonteverwanttoloseitbaby.
I.
I.
youyouyou
I don't even know.
FeelmeIneedit. Ineedtofeel. Passion. Pass I (On). We pass by (one). How?
Twohalvesequalone.

L. Soleil