I haven't written in a while, and it's primarily because I've been thrown into the chaos of prom, graduation, the last days of high school, and what is considered by most as the end of your childhood. Simply put, I've been lost in this whirlwind, and I can't exactly pinpoint my emotions. As I prepare to move on to college, going back to my home state and leaving all of my new friends, I realize the evolution and metamorphosis that I've experienced in a short two years.
While we always say that we as humans most rapidly grow (physically) as infants, I realize now that our last years of high school, and our first years of college in the "real world" act as our period of rapid emotional growth. In these past two years I've come to terms with myself in more ways than I ever imagined: I fell in what I thought was love, I opened up a well-hidden part of me, I questioned religion and my family for the first time, I found someone who changed me and inspired me, and I also dealt with some of the hardest situations that I've experienced in years.
It's easy to say these are the everyday plights of the average teen, and while they may seem so on the surface, I know that in many ways they are unique. In a way, that's what drives me to write is to find other people who may be feeling what I've felt over the past two years, or maybe to help someone who can learn from what I've experienced. This rapid period of emotional growth has at times left me completely bereft, and other times it has left me more fulfilled than I've ever felt.
What all of these obstacles relate to is my connections with people who have come into my life. The first connection to evolve was my connection to my family. While we still are extremely close, for the first time I have breached the boundaries that were placed on me. For the first time, I've truly disagreed to the point of break down. I realize now that my family doesn't know me as well as I wanted to believe, and as a result, I've lost faith in people's ability to know me, and truly accept me, faults and all.
As my family has deteriorated, rebuilt, deteriorated, and rebuilt on repeat, my ability to connect with friends has undergone a huge transformation. Without the ability to fully connect and express to my family, I've leaned on my friends more than I have ever let myself. While in my old home, I never fully opened up, I have met people in my new home that have completely changed me. I thought I fell for someone, and although I try to deny the connection now, that relationship changed my perception of the world drastically. On the other hand, I found someone who makes me feel like I'm looking into an emotional mirror. In becoming close friends with her, I have found myself in ways that I never expected from a friendship. Never before have I been so challenged, and never before have I wanted to accept a challenge so willingly.
Above all else, my connection to my true self has been overhauled as well. Where I lost religion, I gained a more personal understanding of what I believe in. I haven't entirely forsaken religion, and by no means have I found a complete understanding of myself, but I have started to find a balance. This balance is by no means stable, nor really am I, but I feel like I wouldn't want to live in a fully balanced life. My unbalance has in many ways opened up the world to me.
I know now that I live for connection. My will to help people and be there for them, is my attempt to have a connection with something, someone. I try so hard to find deep connections, because I have never felt truly connected. I go above my limits to be everything for people, because in all honestly, I need someone to be that same pillar of strength for me. So somewhere in my projected strength and idealism, is the real me looking for that connection to define me. I realize now how close I've come. I just hope not to lose it.
Feeling (dis)connected,
L. Soleil
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
Blue sky. Bright sun. White clouds.
Seeing as this past week was my last week of high school, I haven't had an opportunity to sit down and write. After spending an entire week wrapped up in friends and pranks, and general senior shenanigans, I haven't had a chance to take some time to recenter, so here's my attempt.
Inspiration strikes in the least expected moments, and today, while spending time with my cousin Samuel, I was inspired. To fully appreciate this simple anecdote, you have to know more about Samuel. He's 15 years old, 240 pounds, and 6 feet 3 inches tall. He seems like a giant in comparison to my small 6 foot frame, but it's the beauty of his character that astounds me.
Samuel is autistic. He only just entered my life as a cousin when my dad remarried, and I'm so blessed to be around him. After spending my past week in a somewhat superficial marathon of mindless fun with my friends and classmates, spending some time with Samuel refocused me, inspired me, and centered me to a more stable state. Spending time with Samuel always reminds me of the priveledge I have to express and be understood. Samuel's autism allows him to function and be relatively independent for a 15-year-old, but his ability to communicate often is lost in translation. He can speak in sentences and express his need for food, water, or use of the restroom, but he can't very easily express his ideas or thoughts. In spending a day with Samuel, I realize how fortunate I am, and his happiness and pure joy whilst dealing with his numerous health problems truly inspires me.
It started with a simple conversation. Samuel often spouts random dates from his internal calendar, and this time he interjected, "Kansas July 1st." I replied as I always do with a simple, "Yes Samuel. You and Roberta Aunty will be there soon enough. Yes, you'll go to Kansas." Prompting him to elaborate more I added, "How are you going Samuel? How are you going to go to Kansas?" His response was what inspired me. We were both talking while swinging on the local school's swingset, and while starting to swing, and with a huge smile he said, "Airplane! Blue sky. Bright sun. White clouds." His simple and innocent admiration of some of the simplest beauties of nature infected me with his elation. Moments like these remind what true happiness is.
Happiness is not knowing you are always healthy or wealthy. True happiness is not celebrating the end of senior year with friends in the craziest fashion possible. Happiness is found instead in the simplest pleasures of life. Now when I look at the blue sky, the bright sun, or the white clouds I can't help but think of Samuel and smile. I am truly blessed to have him in my life, and I'm happy to share in his love of life.
With my head in the white clouds and my spirit with the bright sun,
L. Soleil
Inspiration strikes in the least expected moments, and today, while spending time with my cousin Samuel, I was inspired. To fully appreciate this simple anecdote, you have to know more about Samuel. He's 15 years old, 240 pounds, and 6 feet 3 inches tall. He seems like a giant in comparison to my small 6 foot frame, but it's the beauty of his character that astounds me.
Samuel is autistic. He only just entered my life as a cousin when my dad remarried, and I'm so blessed to be around him. After spending my past week in a somewhat superficial marathon of mindless fun with my friends and classmates, spending some time with Samuel refocused me, inspired me, and centered me to a more stable state. Spending time with Samuel always reminds me of the priveledge I have to express and be understood. Samuel's autism allows him to function and be relatively independent for a 15-year-old, but his ability to communicate often is lost in translation. He can speak in sentences and express his need for food, water, or use of the restroom, but he can't very easily express his ideas or thoughts. In spending a day with Samuel, I realize how fortunate I am, and his happiness and pure joy whilst dealing with his numerous health problems truly inspires me.
It started with a simple conversation. Samuel often spouts random dates from his internal calendar, and this time he interjected, "Kansas July 1st." I replied as I always do with a simple, "Yes Samuel. You and Roberta Aunty will be there soon enough. Yes, you'll go to Kansas." Prompting him to elaborate more I added, "How are you going Samuel? How are you going to go to Kansas?" His response was what inspired me. We were both talking while swinging on the local school's swingset, and while starting to swing, and with a huge smile he said, "Airplane! Blue sky. Bright sun. White clouds." His simple and innocent admiration of some of the simplest beauties of nature infected me with his elation. Moments like these remind what true happiness is.
Happiness is not knowing you are always healthy or wealthy. True happiness is not celebrating the end of senior year with friends in the craziest fashion possible. Happiness is found instead in the simplest pleasures of life. Now when I look at the blue sky, the bright sun, or the white clouds I can't help but think of Samuel and smile. I am truly blessed to have him in my life, and I'm happy to share in his love of life.
With my head in the white clouds and my spirit with the bright sun,
L. Soleil
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Potential
As I've previously described, my life goal is to save the world in some small way. It's impossible to explain, but I feel an obligation, an impulse, a desire to help people in any way that I can. I don't plan on taking a Superman approach to saving the world, but I am not joking when I say that I want to devote my life to helping others. Often times, I find myself in conversations with friends who had, at least for that day, had enough with people. I agreed with them to a point; people can be exhausting, disheartening, ignorant, and even cruel. However, I explained to them just why I believe in the goodness of man.
Surprisingly, this sentiment isn't one inspired by God, or whatever higher power you believe in. This isn't a religious obligation to love Man, or even a spiritual connection. This feeling is instead rooted in the light that I see emanate from every person that I have ever come in contact with.
This light isn't an aura that I can read, nor is it even visible. I can't even get close to describing what I feel, but I truly believe that every person carries this light. This light, as I try to describe it, is human potential to better the world, even through the small acts in life.
People ask me what it is that propels me to accept people, what it is that grants me the firm belief in Man's inherent goodness, and the root of this belief lies in this light. Every human's capacity to love, capacity to care, inspires me every single day. It is too easy to focus on the bad things that we do, on accident or on purpose. However, if you take the effort to focus on the beauty of mankind's capability rather than deficiency, it is impossible not to have faith in Man.
This light, no matter how dull it shines, proves in my mind and in my heart that every person is born with the ability to change the world for the better, and I am not exaggerating. Each small act of kindness that we partake in every day has the capability to change the world. By providing someone without many friends that much needed support, you are changing the world. By smiling to a passerby, you can sway their temperament. By taking the time to lend your shoulder or your ear, you can help someone find their faith in humanity once again.
It takes one person to degrade someone's faith and optimism, but in my opinion, it takes only one person to rebuild it.
This message that I'm trying to relay to you now is the same message that I would provide for any one of my friends. Think of it as an obligation and a chain reaction. Changing the world is not as difficult as you might think. In order to change the world, you must inspire others to change the world as well, and I plan on dedicating my life to this cause.
I leave you this simple message to inspire you, and to provide you with the option of belief. I'm not expecting you to believe or understand every word I say, but I hope that you will go out sometime in the week that you read this to live a day of positivity and of compassion. Sometimes, that's the hardest thing to do when you'd rather wallow in disappointment or complain about all that's gone wrong in your life; however, I believe in you, and I believe in every person. There is nothing stopping you from grasping your potential, so if you haven't started yet, why not now?
L. Soleil
Surprisingly, this sentiment isn't one inspired by God, or whatever higher power you believe in. This isn't a religious obligation to love Man, or even a spiritual connection. This feeling is instead rooted in the light that I see emanate from every person that I have ever come in contact with.
This light isn't an aura that I can read, nor is it even visible. I can't even get close to describing what I feel, but I truly believe that every person carries this light. This light, as I try to describe it, is human potential to better the world, even through the small acts in life.
People ask me what it is that propels me to accept people, what it is that grants me the firm belief in Man's inherent goodness, and the root of this belief lies in this light. Every human's capacity to love, capacity to care, inspires me every single day. It is too easy to focus on the bad things that we do, on accident or on purpose. However, if you take the effort to focus on the beauty of mankind's capability rather than deficiency, it is impossible not to have faith in Man.
This light, no matter how dull it shines, proves in my mind and in my heart that every person is born with the ability to change the world for the better, and I am not exaggerating. Each small act of kindness that we partake in every day has the capability to change the world. By providing someone without many friends that much needed support, you are changing the world. By smiling to a passerby, you can sway their temperament. By taking the time to lend your shoulder or your ear, you can help someone find their faith in humanity once again.
It takes one person to degrade someone's faith and optimism, but in my opinion, it takes only one person to rebuild it.
This message that I'm trying to relay to you now is the same message that I would provide for any one of my friends. Think of it as an obligation and a chain reaction. Changing the world is not as difficult as you might think. In order to change the world, you must inspire others to change the world as well, and I plan on dedicating my life to this cause.
I leave you this simple message to inspire you, and to provide you with the option of belief. I'm not expecting you to believe or understand every word I say, but I hope that you will go out sometime in the week that you read this to live a day of positivity and of compassion. Sometimes, that's the hardest thing to do when you'd rather wallow in disappointment or complain about all that's gone wrong in your life; however, I believe in you, and I believe in every person. There is nothing stopping you from grasping your potential, so if you haven't started yet, why not now?
L. Soleil
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Reflections
"You
teach best
what you most need
to learn."
-Richard Bach, Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah
After having started to read a book that I happened upon, I found bits of my personal philosophy on life entwined in the author's words. Shortly into the book, the main character is given a book of Messiah-how-to's; in other words, there are a few short maxims articulating what it takes to make divinity a reality.
This quote in particular struck me seeing as what I step forth to accomplish each day is what I most need to learn. Somewhere amongst the monotony of everyday life, I set personal goals to help people in some small, or big, way. These goals go unspoken, often not even consciously realized, but I nevertheless find myself in these situations.
By these situations, I mean situations in which I am in the position to help someone get through something similar to a conflict that I am facing. I find myself each day helping a reflected fragment of myself, in my friends, in my family. Be it through an impromptu hour long conversation on theories of life, or a mutual depression rant, I find myself in the position to help others, and vicariously help myself.
In fact, there is no better way for me to cope. I find my own well-being affected by my surroundings and the problems that my friends face. Although it does not always appear as such, I feel an inexplicable compulsion to brighten someone's day, or to provide guidance and support when no one else is willing. Don't think that I'm trying to put myself on some sort of moral high horse however. I don't think that I necessarily succeed by any means. These are situations where I only hope that my thoughts are what counts.
I think this piece of me, this instinct to be the shoulder, the listener, or the ear comes as some sort of reaction against the problems I face. What better a way (or more efficient a way) to help yourself, than to help others. Not only do you receive the help from your friend, but you are able to provide them with the compassion and guidance that you so desperately try to reciprocate.
Maybe this is what explains the strange comfort I feel with people in sharing my philosophical beliefs or personal stories of upbringing. Regardless, I find the human capacity to care and to cope fascinating. We can take the poorest of situations, and with a sounding board for ideas and guidance that we find in our friends and family, we cope. We survive, and we allow our lights to continue to glow.
Regardless, I hope you can find something in this fragmented post to ponder. By the way, I encourage you to subscribe and comment. You all know me, and I'm quite sure that I don't bite!
With the aid of my reflections,
L. Soleil
teach best
what you most need
to learn."
-Richard Bach, Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah
After having started to read a book that I happened upon, I found bits of my personal philosophy on life entwined in the author's words. Shortly into the book, the main character is given a book of Messiah-how-to's; in other words, there are a few short maxims articulating what it takes to make divinity a reality.
This quote in particular struck me seeing as what I step forth to accomplish each day is what I most need to learn. Somewhere amongst the monotony of everyday life, I set personal goals to help people in some small, or big, way. These goals go unspoken, often not even consciously realized, but I nevertheless find myself in these situations.
By these situations, I mean situations in which I am in the position to help someone get through something similar to a conflict that I am facing. I find myself each day helping a reflected fragment of myself, in my friends, in my family. Be it through an impromptu hour long conversation on theories of life, or a mutual depression rant, I find myself in the position to help others, and vicariously help myself.
In fact, there is no better way for me to cope. I find my own well-being affected by my surroundings and the problems that my friends face. Although it does not always appear as such, I feel an inexplicable compulsion to brighten someone's day, or to provide guidance and support when no one else is willing. Don't think that I'm trying to put myself on some sort of moral high horse however. I don't think that I necessarily succeed by any means. These are situations where I only hope that my thoughts are what counts.
I think this piece of me, this instinct to be the shoulder, the listener, or the ear comes as some sort of reaction against the problems I face. What better a way (or more efficient a way) to help yourself, than to help others. Not only do you receive the help from your friend, but you are able to provide them with the compassion and guidance that you so desperately try to reciprocate.
Maybe this is what explains the strange comfort I feel with people in sharing my philosophical beliefs or personal stories of upbringing. Regardless, I find the human capacity to care and to cope fascinating. We can take the poorest of situations, and with a sounding board for ideas and guidance that we find in our friends and family, we cope. We survive, and we allow our lights to continue to glow.
Regardless, I hope you can find something in this fragmented post to ponder. By the way, I encourage you to subscribe and comment. You all know me, and I'm quite sure that I don't bite!
With the aid of my reflections,
L. Soleil
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