Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Connection

I haven't written in a while, and it's primarily because I've been thrown into the chaos of prom, graduation, the last days of high school, and what is considered by most as the end of your childhood. Simply put, I've been lost in this whirlwind, and I can't exactly pinpoint my emotions. As I prepare to move on to college, going back to my home state and leaving all of my new friends, I realize the evolution and metamorphosis that I've experienced in a short two years.

While we always say that we as humans most rapidly grow (physically) as infants, I realize now that our last years of high school, and our first years of college in the "real world" act as our period of rapid emotional growth. In these past two years I've come to terms with myself in more ways than I ever imagined: I fell in what I thought was love, I opened up a well-hidden part of me, I questioned religion and my family for the first time, I found someone who changed me and inspired me, and I also dealt with some of the hardest situations that I've experienced in years.

It's easy to say these are the everyday plights of the average teen, and while they may seem so on the surface, I know that in many ways they are unique. In a way, that's what drives me to write is to find other people who may be feeling what I've felt over the past two years, or maybe to help someone who can learn from what I've experienced. This rapid period of emotional growth has at times left me completely bereft, and other times it has left me more fulfilled than I've ever felt.

What all of these obstacles relate to is my connections with people who have come into my life. The first connection to evolve was my connection to my family. While we still are extremely close, for the first time I have breached the boundaries that were placed on me. For the first time, I've truly disagreed to the point of break down. I realize now that my family doesn't know me as well as I wanted to believe, and as a result, I've lost faith in people's ability to know me, and truly accept me, faults and all.

As my family has deteriorated, rebuilt, deteriorated, and rebuilt on repeat, my ability to connect with friends has undergone a huge transformation. Without the ability to fully connect and express to my family, I've leaned on my friends more than I have ever let myself. While in my old home, I never fully opened up, I have met people in my new home that have completely changed me. I thought I fell for someone, and although I try to deny the connection now, that relationship changed my perception of the world drastically. On the other hand, I found someone who makes me feel like I'm looking into an emotional mirror. In becoming close friends with her, I have found myself in ways that I never expected from a friendship. Never before have I been so challenged, and never before have I wanted to accept a challenge so willingly.

Above all else, my connection to my true self has been overhauled as well. Where I lost religion, I gained a more personal understanding of what I believe in. I haven't entirely forsaken religion, and by no means have I found a complete understanding of myself, but I have started to find a balance. This balance is by no means stable, nor really am I, but I feel like I wouldn't want to live in a fully balanced life. My unbalance has in many ways opened up the world to me.

I know now that I live for connection. My will to help people and be there for them, is my attempt to have a connection with something, someone. I try so hard to find deep connections, because I have never felt truly connected. I go above my limits to be everything for people, because in all honestly, I need someone to be that same pillar of strength for me. So somewhere in my projected strength and idealism, is the real me looking for that connection to define me. I realize now how close I've come. I just hope not to lose it.

Feeling (dis)connected,
L. Soleil