Everything

As many of you know, I've lived a life as much of joy as of pain. But, sitting here and reflecting on 18 years well spent, I realize the immense and unique beauty that has exuded from my life and surrounded me from birth. I've grown up with so much love, so much that I feel it burning scars of hope and desire.

I was born to an unlikely couple of young parents, full of laughter, life, and of course love. Two brilliant young people from two entirely different lives. Little did I know, their differences would always be the obstacles for me to balance from birth; however, in no way would I want my life to be anything else, but this beautiful combination of the world.

From birth, I was enveloped in an atmosphere of varied love. From my mother's love as she started her journey of raising me while she herself hadn't finished her childhood, to the love of my father serving the country during the beginning of my life, he himself still a young adult. Lucky for me, my life has always contained "sub-parents": amazing grandparents, aunts, uncles, and family friends who have been there to help me in the process of becoming who I am today. I may seem slightly sentimental, or perhaps you think I'm exaggerating, but let me tell you, no other child grew up with so much love.

Of course, this love was unconventional, but it was also unconditional, and it has followed me from my first footsteps, to the moment I type this.

Love seems to be a topic I cover a lot, and it's simply because my life has been rich in it. The love of my parents was infused into me from birth, their ambition, their drive, their passion. Even more so, their diversity.

I am blessed enough to represent what seems like more than half of the world. My dad's background spans across Western Asia, while my mom's spans from Western Europe to Native America to Indonesia. Not only am I a representation of the diversity in my generation, but my diversity has led me to an openness unparalleled. I've experienced black culture through my father's friends, my aunt was born in Africa, and I was born in a small town in Ohio. I laughed in agreement the other day when my friend said to me, "Jordan, you are the world."

I can't articulate in simple words how much my parents mean to me. And when I say parents I don't simply mean my amazing father and mother, but ALL of the amazing people who have touched my life. All of you.

Two of the most influential people in my life however are not my parents. They are my brothers. Since my parents' divorce nine and half years ago, I have been their "parent", their confidante, and of course their loving brother. Sure we've fought, and there's no doubt that we've disagreed, but what astounds me is the intensity, and the invisibility of our love. I find myself smiling at the simplest gestures from them, more now than ever as we prepare to live our first year apart. The other night in the car when Jalen snuggled up to my shoulder like he always used to, or days when Jivan still wants me to play with him remind me of the love that's always there and always unsaid. I tear up even thinking of leaving them as I head out for college, but I know that their influence on my life has been remarkable. I love and cherish every minute with them, even if they don't know, and I can't wait to see the astounding things they will accomplish to eclipse my own.

Not only has my family made a profound impact on me, but my friends have also shaped me in ways they never noticed. When I couldn't go to a family member, or I was struggling in school, often times it was my friends who pulled me through it. Whether they are my friends who I've known since I was the kid in Worthington Meadows who always had to be Luke Skywalker, or if they only know me as the guy who wears too many chucks, I appreciate them all more than words can describe. They've all held me strong, and inspired me to new heights, and I can't thank them more.

All of this love that's raised me and surrounded me gives me so much hope for my future. People ask me every day how I live a life so positively, and with so much passion. If they knew me they'd know that to me, there is no other way to live life. My life has inspired me to change more than just the world, but to change lives. I head to Ohio Wesleyan next year, not just to learn how to teach, but also to hone my craft of life changing. Amazingly, I've found out that I've already changed lives, and knowing that I have is both humbling, and astounding to me. I find myself channeling all the amazing people in my life to help others, so in essence it's really all of you who are helping.

Sure, life's been rough sometimes. But, I believe so strongly in every human's potential, now more than ever. You have all made me the person I am today, and today I want to tell you what you've inspired me to believe. In every single human, I now see light. I understand we all are a combination of good and bad, but from everyone around me, I feel their warmth, their love, and the light they exude. My goal as I take my first steps in the real world is to act as a mirror. I've been given the experiences to provide me with a unique understanding of life, and I stand in many ways as a representation of so many people, and so much love. Now, all that I want to do, is reflect it back to everyone I meet. I want to reflect this light, this love, this essence to everyone, because I feel that if people could feel this light that I've found in me, I could awaken theirs as well.

So I leave with this: a simple I love you. I love you all, and can't thank you enough for all that you have provided me, and all that you've prepared me for in life.

L. Soleil

Can You Feel

Red Chucks

I hate when I'm hit unexpectedly by that weird feeling. An overwhelming sense of sudden loneliness and difference.

I never thought that the feeling would hit me at a roller rink. After lacing up my skates, and launching onto the skating floor, I never expected to be hit by a wall of debilitating indifference.

It started off normally, my whole family comes in as usual, one of the regular families at the rink, and slowly but surely we swing ourselves into the vortex of the Marion rollerskating rink. Lap after lap, turn after turn. An endless cyclone of loud pop music, small children, and fake people.

That's what bothered me most. All of the sudden, skating slowly under the florescent lights and disco balls, the whole facade crumbled down on me. Little did the people around me realize that I was laying under the fragments of their false-heartedness. It just hurt to watch all of these people disillusioning themselves. Losing what matters, and instead being swept away by the superficial.

It just threw me off. I wanted to skate near the sides slowly and go unnoticed, sulking in disregard and mental disarray, but it didn't work. I was pulled into their storm of materialism. Swept away to skate fast, skate centered, attract attention, and stand out. I hated it.

So I pulled over to the side stage, sat down and thought. My eyes blurring with each passing skater, my mind being melted by the technicolor expanse dancing in front of me.

Whilst sitting and thinking (or at least semi-thinking as the lyrics of the Black-Eyed Peas blared in my ear drums), I realized that this is the world. It's the rapidly moving vortex of competition and infidelity. Maybe that's why I get this feeling. So that I can avoid it.

I'm just made to stick out like a sore thumb, or a pair of red chucks on the glow-in-the-dark floor of the skating rink.

L. Soleil

The Pain None Can Heal

This past week has opened something in me. To either let it out, to be healed, or to be left and exposed to eat me from the inside out. There's always been this indescribable pain I bear. From childhood, I've felt this pain...this, responsibility. The curse: To have the power to heal others, but never yourself. It hurts me so badly. Yet, being myself, I'd have it no other way.

Ever since I was old enough to speak, I've just been there for people. I am the "chameleon", I am the "hollow man". I can be everything for everyone, and I've lived my life to be that everything. My problems are eclipsed by the pain I see in others, and I strive to eliminate it. I can help, always help. By listening, responding, or just being there, sometimes the sole genuine person.

I hate talking like this. To me, I am nothing special. I do what I think every citizen of the universe should do. Every member of humanity. Is it so strange to feel for everyone? To feel their pain, take it as your own, and try with all of your being to fix it.

Yet I realize, more lately than ever, that I am only one person. My goal to save the world isn't something I can accomplish single-handedly. As people move in and out of my life, I feel like I leave a part of myself with them. I want them to know, that even if I'm not there in person, I truly will always be there for them. It's just hard for me. I can heal their pain, help them, aid them, strengthen them, experience their pain. But, I can never be healed. My pain lies underneath all of the pain I hold for others. I can absorb some of you pain, and I'll always be here to. Not only for you, but for all of you. That's why I live.

It just hurts. All of my pain, in light of all the love, is exemplified. As the light in my life returns, it illuminates the wounds that never were healed. As I radiate for the first time in nine and a half years, the rays of light shine on the darkness and pain that haunts me.

Sure, I feel. I feel everything. Thanks to the love and the loss. The pain and the light. The darkness and the serenity of living.

Yet, as I feel this pain that none can heal, I see hope. With this radiation comes a pure intense light, as intense as my own. I grasp the key that I cannot wield and offer it to the light, hoping the light will accept and unlock the pain, and heal it. The only one with the ability to heal me. The wounds of a lifetime.

This may sound extremely conceited, and if this post bothers you I'm sorry. I'm not trying to make my pain seem unique or worse than anyone else's. I know people who have experienced more pain in their own lives than I have, and they still can function. I just feel like there's an aspect of my pain that no one else faces. It seems like people can heal their own pain, a skill they just have innately that I lack. Call me crazy, I don't even know anymore.

I'm feeling more than ever. Every change and alteration in my life, every morsel of pain, every fragment of joy shakes me to the core. It scares me beautifully. This innate connection is as much a blessing as a curse.

So do I ask this pain never to leave? Or do I embrace the light? Is there a balance to my imbalance?

Eyes to the sun and the moon,
L. Soleil
(Je t'a so

One.

When we first met I had the...weird feeling. Strange, I thought. Fate? No, but close. Maybe, like some old Disney movie, you the Belle to my Beast. I don't even know what to think in five days. Allineed. A miracle wrapped up in chemicals so Lena would say. I don't even know. IN describable feeling...paindreadfear. Elationecstasy. Agony. I've never felt so (dis)connected. (connection weakened, terminated deleted, built and formed) It's almost bitter, but oh so warm.

Words can't describe love, so I try fragments. Thoughts, lost, found, God on both sides of the gun. Tell me what you think what you feel, but WAIT. I know. Je t'aime. Je comprends vos pensees. J'ai pouvu toujours te comprendre. Je sais pas comment. I don't know how. Vacancies, emptiness. Wholeness? A way to reach completion for one. How? I don't even know.
A mission I've felt tremble my soul. IN describable feeling...agony, ecstasy. That weird feeling. You haunt me. You haunted me. You will haunt me and I will let you.
Moving on, but how? Just let me feel, break bonds, experience passion. Lost religion? No, strengthened. Titled? No. How? Why? Where do these thoughts come from. Guardian when all is crumbling. Never say never. I told you. I heard. I saw.

I feel schizo today. Everyday, never. How? Just put it together, come together, pieces of a jigsaw puzzle that I used to put together with Amma...I feel terrible. They'll lose me and they don't even know why or how. Why? Pain to reach unity. It hurts. It will hurt everyone. But I have to move on.

My, your, our intense fragility. Oh, but what we can't perceive? To feel, to make feel, to let feelings. I feel you. Do you feel me? Yes. You do. I know. I don't even know. A rush of emotion and thought. Just feel it. How? I don't even know.

Writing. Release. Passion, I need it , I want it, I want you. Iwantyousobadcanyoufeelme. You, allineed, doyoufeel IT? Tell me. I need to hear you with your gasping laughs and your beautiful voice.

Can you understand? I don't. I don't even know. We only knew distance, but to feel proximity. Overbearing warmth, it burns, I writhed in my bed for you. You for me, but how? I don't even know.

Why me? Why not me? Supernatural, like Mom said I'd always been. Somehow I transcend, but why? Why do you? I crave, so carnal, never before, never again? Lived in two worlds, come to one. A reflection--lookinthemirror you'll see you/me/us.

IvefelteverythingyouvefeltandIdonteverwanttoloseitbaby.
I.
I.
youyouyou
I don't even know.
FeelmeIneedit. Ineedtofeel. Passion. Pass I (On). We pass by (one). How?
Twohalvesequalone.

L. Soleil