The Pain None Can Heal

This past week has opened something in me. To either let it out, to be healed, or to be left and exposed to eat me from the inside out. There's always been this indescribable pain I bear. From childhood, I've felt this pain...this, responsibility. The curse: To have the power to heal others, but never yourself. It hurts me so badly. Yet, being myself, I'd have it no other way.

Ever since I was old enough to speak, I've just been there for people. I am the "chameleon", I am the "hollow man". I can be everything for everyone, and I've lived my life to be that everything. My problems are eclipsed by the pain I see in others, and I strive to eliminate it. I can help, always help. By listening, responding, or just being there, sometimes the sole genuine person.

I hate talking like this. To me, I am nothing special. I do what I think every citizen of the universe should do. Every member of humanity. Is it so strange to feel for everyone? To feel their pain, take it as your own, and try with all of your being to fix it.

Yet I realize, more lately than ever, that I am only one person. My goal to save the world isn't something I can accomplish single-handedly. As people move in and out of my life, I feel like I leave a part of myself with them. I want them to know, that even if I'm not there in person, I truly will always be there for them. It's just hard for me. I can heal their pain, help them, aid them, strengthen them, experience their pain. But, I can never be healed. My pain lies underneath all of the pain I hold for others. I can absorb some of you pain, and I'll always be here to. Not only for you, but for all of you. That's why I live.

It just hurts. All of my pain, in light of all the love, is exemplified. As the light in my life returns, it illuminates the wounds that never were healed. As I radiate for the first time in nine and a half years, the rays of light shine on the darkness and pain that haunts me.

Sure, I feel. I feel everything. Thanks to the love and the loss. The pain and the light. The darkness and the serenity of living.

Yet, as I feel this pain that none can heal, I see hope. With this radiation comes a pure intense light, as intense as my own. I grasp the key that I cannot wield and offer it to the light, hoping the light will accept and unlock the pain, and heal it. The only one with the ability to heal me. The wounds of a lifetime.

This may sound extremely conceited, and if this post bothers you I'm sorry. I'm not trying to make my pain seem unique or worse than anyone else's. I know people who have experienced more pain in their own lives than I have, and they still can function. I just feel like there's an aspect of my pain that no one else faces. It seems like people can heal their own pain, a skill they just have innately that I lack. Call me crazy, I don't even know anymore.

I'm feeling more than ever. Every change and alteration in my life, every morsel of pain, every fragment of joy shakes me to the core. It scares me beautifully. This innate connection is as much a blessing as a curse.

So do I ask this pain never to leave? Or do I embrace the light? Is there a balance to my imbalance?

Eyes to the sun and the moon,
L. Soleil
(Je t'a so