A Moment of Clarity

I'm not someone who would generally bombard people with three posts in a day, but this is something that truly merits a post.

For starters, today hasn't gone well. This week hasn't gone well. The last 4-5 months haven't gone well. However, out of all places and circumstances, I had a moment of clarity walking to my town's library in the rain without an umbrella, without my glasses on, and with my iPod ear buds protruding from my head.

First, as I crossed the street beginning my damp trek to the library, I decided to take my glasses off. You wouldn't think that this was strange or uncalled for, but for some reason, I sometimes get the urge to remove my glasses to truly see. Sure, I'm not physically seeing any better, but sometimes I want to just see what nature allows me to. Granted, I'm certainly nowhere near the legally blind limit, and my glasses don't do much, but walking without them was liberating.

To add to my strange sense of liberation, it was raining. Not too hard, but it wasn't just an annoying mist either. The rain, just like the removal of my glasses, always creates some sort of emotional release for me. It's a catharsis of sorts; a catalyst for emotional rejuvenation.

Somehow, within the amount of time it took for my first song to start playing in my ears, all of these circumstances caused me to reminisce. Recently a friend of mine suggested that I reminisce and remember the good times to get through the bad, so I guess that her suggestion had a subconscious effect on my thought process.

The memories that came to mind weren't the huge celebrations of birthdays or Christmas. They weren't the grandiose adventures of a 6-year-old boy. Instead they were the small things. I could remember the sense of pride that I felt when I wore my homemade "I'm the big brother" sweatshirt to my youngest brother's birth. I remembered smiling like nothing in the world could steal my joy. My memories flew at an unimaginable rate, spanning my life from toddler to teenager, allowing me to remember all of the people that I've loved and cherished.

So, on a walk to work on a school project, there I was. A six-foot-tall lanky teenager with his hands in his hoodie pockets and his ear buds in, smiling like no other. I can't even imagine the joy I felt in that instant. It enveloped me and eradicated the fears and anxieties of today. I was happy. Genuinely happy almost to the point of tears. That may seem simplistic, but when life is too complex to deal, simplicity is pure unadulterated joy.

But, just when I thought the daze would never end, it was over as fast as it had began. I had a project to work on. I had tests to study for. I had things to do, places to be. However, instead of focusing and getting work done, I've been unable to get my mind off of this beautiful moment of clarity. To feel clear, careless, and content for any amount of time is almost unheard of for me, and to have this moment stolen away only worsens the blow of every day's mediocrity. Even now I can't fathom the elation I experienced. The feeling is already alien, lost in my river of emotions.

Now all I can do is wait. Wait and hope. Hope for another dose of my drug, clarity. All that I know is that it will come when I least expect it, when I most need it.

Here's to living everyday for ephemeral dreams of contentment,
L. Soleil